雪记提要

Was supposed to have updated this on the 3rd November but the procrastinator stopped me in my path.

Well so a year has passed and the truth of 我的男友结婚了但新娘不是我 has already sunk deep into my heart.

People asked why was I so deeply affected by him? I must have been out of my mind. The aloof and nonchalant Sharon is affected by a guy for so long, losing all trust in all heterosexual with a dick.
Was it because I loved him the most? I'm a confused girl in general but I went through some serious thinking and I'm convinced that I wasn't!
Then why was I able to walk out of past relationships unscarred? Was it because I was the one that initiated all the breakups previously and this time I was dumped? Nah, my ego's big but not that humongous that I cannot swallow this. Besides, I've always been that self-centred girl that I could never have loved anyone more than myself, so what's with all these?

I've thought carefully and figured it was because I've always had low self-esteem. Since young, I've been trying to please anyone and everyone in hope that they like me back. I felt the importance of being recognised and acknowledged. As much as I'm the self-centred bitch, I had a damn super big inferior complex!

So for past relationships, the exes have been nice enough to have always lifted me on the podium, putting me in such a good light. I became confident of myself and knew that I was fine, in fact perhaps above average in some areas. That self of security allowed me to dare to venture out and look for things that were lacking. So what's the difference, you may ask? Well this arsehole obviously did the same during the courtship days, in fact he went up another level and I was probably already up in iCloud!

Prior to him, I was probably the happy carefree OL who was not afraid of anything and was self-assured in her own world. But he came along and built this little world for me, placing me to the pedestal that was meant for the goddess. But he being the self-centred bastard (exactly like me) decided one day that he should be the one to be worshipped upon and he starting slamming me down. Some people said it was because he was inferior to me, some said he just needed a ego booster. I just think that he just had enough of me but didn't have the balls. So he went on to put me down, calling me names and starting questioning my intelligence, capabilities, etc. Try telling that to someone who already has an inferior complex to begin with, my confidence just went wrecking down. So I started to build my mere existence on him, I clinged on for survival. So when the opportunity came this crazy Vietnamese bitch Bich became his new found minion, the mini world that I relied on for survival was destroyed, my life was almost non-existence!

In retrospect, I was silly enough to make him my pivot. Sure there was tell-tale signs that he wasn't even near but I just choose to believe in whatever was painted for me. Why? Cos my inferior complex is working its magic on me. I thought I was really lousy and old, and also I guess I was quite comfortable where things were. And it was probably karma that is at its working. I've not exactly been your best girlfriend, in fact, I've probably always been the spouse-zilla for that matter.

That being said, I'm still in the state of being nursing that inferiority. I guess I will probably need quite a bit of time to rebuild my broken confidence. The city is now in ruins and I need lots of time & effort to reanimate this place, just that this time round, I'm building a fortress rather than a city. I cannot risk myself going down that dark pitch again because I know if I were to take that path again, I may not have the strength to pull myself out. It would be like a quicksand that will slowly swallow me alive.

And I'm happy to say I've figured out the first step towards regaining that self esteem. I always say flattery does not get you anywhere but this is exactly what I need in my life now! No kidding~

I was out just trying to fake the spontaneous and enthusiastic persona that I'm obviously not. And with the influence of the intoxicating liquids, I was tipsy and high. I became open and I realised I had captured attention, when I wasn't even out to impress! Dicks Guys were flocking around me and it even came to a point that 1 was just "protecting me" throughout the night! That really fuelled my ego and man that was good! And I realised it was really the antidote that I was looking for because once the attention died off, I was depressed & decided to retreat. But I knew that was the kind of thing I needed in order to build my fortress.

A forced hug recently also got me melted. No doubt I was struggling because it was just so wrong, but when I felt the warmth of the other body, I knew I needed that. I miss that warmth and the love, security and little things that came as a package. Hence I embraced that hug and till now I'm still reminiscing that feeling...

I've decided, I'm gonna to venture out to scouting for for my elixir, whether it was genuine or fake, I needed that to survive. Who cares about hypocrisy and its fallacies? In desperate times like these, I've got nothing to lose.

As I walked down this new path, I know it will definitely change me, maybe even to become like one of them. As much as I detested them, I needed to brave through this in order emerge victorious. Still I'm fearful for what they will do to me and how I will become eventually, so pray for me peeps, pray that I don't get consumed by the dark powers, but will be like a phoenix that will be reborn.

I still love all of you!!! Take it as the last genuine Sharon lest I cross over to the dark side...