在第一次恋爱之前，你不懂什么是爱情；
在第一次恋爱之后，你开始质疑爱情。
初恋，是每个人都逃不掉的情感试练课。就像一种豁然开朗，点开你对情爱的认知。那些嫁给初恋得人，有些是顺势而为、先天幸运；有些则是兜兜转转，才找回真命天子。

I guess I chose the easy route. Less effort and less time wastage. PRIDE is also a big factor. I convinced myself not regret anything because I'm too proud to admit I've made bad decisions, especially one that have been opposed but I still went ahead. That stubborn pride in me doesn't allow me to admit to my mistakes, especially after I went against all odds to to prove my point. How could I let anyone have the last laugh and tell me, "See? I told you so." 



So has life been treating me badly or I've not worked hard for it? Why do I deserve to get these dreams when I've not been putting in efforts? To be born in a place like Singapore has already been a blessing and yet I just expect to breeze through life. 

He was right. Why don't I re-look at my life and re-align my dreams and expectation? Just because he has done his part in building that dream we once had, it doesn't mean that I have any part in it. My resentment in my current life could be the fact that I saw traces of my dream in his real life. It was meant to be something that I desired and had conceived of, but I'm super off track now. Rethink about what I want in life. Reconstruct a new dream if I had to. Make sure it's realistic and achievable. No point in getting envious and jealous over things that do not belong to me. Instead go and earn mine. No one can take those away from me because I own them. Don't settle for less. Life is just too short to be compromising.

Feeling extremely under-challenged and under-performing in my current work place these days. Super unmotivated and unimpressed with how the company is doing. Saddens me even further that some colleagues seemed to think that I could have done much more when it's only been recently that I became super disinterested.

With this (and recent series of disturbing events), I'm starting to feel the need to evaluate myself. What kind of person have I been?  Have I been a good daughter / friend / colleague / neighbour / wife? What will people remember and speak of me at my death bed? I did witness someone who had so much impact on the lives of people around her that even 5 years after her passing, her friends will post on her FB timeline that she's greatly missed!


So after reading up, I realised that that these are all signs of one going through midlife crisis! It was 8/14 match for me!

I guess it startedfrom me feeling super unhappy with my current state of life; not sure what to look forward to in life. For someone who is so fearless of the death, I now feel lost. In the past, I'm surrounded by my friends who add colours to my life. Now everyone has their own family and they cannot be with you as often. DarHub and I don't really have meaningful conversations. We engage in our own activities everyday, him with his games, manga and anime & me with youtube or dramas. I see many of my friends with kids, and that is probably something that occupies them but with DarHub's refusal to try for a kid, there is absolutely no way that a child will come along the way to make life feel more meaningful. After being in this state for a while now, coupled with lousy work environment, I'm being sucked into this horrible state of mind.

I think I really need to seek out the meaning of my life. Do I wanna go down as someone who is incapable at work, super unfilial to parents, lousy friend who don't bother to keep in touch, unfaithful wife who only cared about herself? How can I make meaning in my life as well as let people around me feel great about having crossed paths with me before? I need start to make more efforts in being there for people who are important to me. Who are these people then? Start by categorising people in your life. I used to think that everyone is a friend, but nobody is obliged to treat you as a friend, unless you have proven yourself to be 'worthy'. Keep family in closest proximity. Blood is always thicker than water, though sometimes friends love you more than your own family, unfortunately.

So here's what I resolute to do

• Family - Be present more regularly for family gatherings. Make it a point to spend time, could be a simple meal, with parents at least once a month.
• Confidants - Keep in regular contact with this group of peeps. Drop a call, a WA/FB message or just catch up once a month. Kyochi, probably the only person in the world that I will have no qualms about what I say. May not always be there for me cos of what happened, but he promised that if one day I needed his help, he'll be there. Sze Hui & Chai Ling are the 2 persons that I will want to confide in or ask for advice. However these 2 ladies are much younger than me, so they might not be able to understand what I'm going through. And with kids to keep them busy, I can only hope to keep in regular contact. Huiyi, someone that I will confide in with my latest updates cos of proximity. Not sure if it'll remain the same once any of us leaves the company, but for now, she's my immediate confidant.
• Close friends - This is a big category, so try to at least meet them twice a year. Remember to send festive greetings if you can, that will serve as a reminder to both. May, my BFF who I really love cos we've known each other since secondary days. We are inseparable during our secondary school days, though things changed a little when I got attached. We drifted apart in JC cos we were in different classes but chose to be in the same CCA to maintain this friendship. Again as I got attached for the second time in JC, that was when our friendship went downwards. She also avoided me thereafter when she broke up with a common friend. She said it was too painful to see people that knew both parties. But I'm glad we rekindled our friendship after I broke up with my last BF. It was a bad breakup and she was there for me, making sure I was included in activities and hang out with me, together with her husband. But probably because of those short hiatuses, I've always felt that I can never 'confide' in her. We can talk about almost anything and everything, but never in-depth conversations. Probably also because she was always busy with my god-daughters who needed her attention all the time. But probably time to make a difference in the relationship! Another group, I use group cos almost everyone within the group belong here, that I would really wanna maintain my relationship with is the WON peeps. My primary school teacher used to say that you will probably only have real friends in schools, but this was proven wrong. I think if you have spent quality time and had been genuine towards each other, you will find some 志同道合 friends. WON is the first corporate company that I've been in. Back then, everyone is young and simple. No back-stabbings or horrendous gossips, unlike in MNCs, people are sincere. We were so close back then that we even hung around at night after work! Years have passed and we're no longer as chummy as before, but this friendship with Jyna, Gerlin, Kelvin, Sheryn, Soo Eng, Ann, Walter & Valen is one that will help me journey on with life! Lastly, the COT gang whom I've met in my darkest periods. They were super accepting when I was ditched, allowing me into their close group and extending concern and love. I may not be able to do a 1:1 talk with all but WeeBoon, Junhong, Quzhi, WeeSian, Wilsen, Liren, KengKok, Vernon (and of course spouses included), I really appreciated your presence in my life. Thanks for being there when I had nobody.
• "Better Friends" - People that you want to keep in your life, my definition being you don't mind making effort to meet them alone - There may be tons and tons of people you meet all the time, but how many of these are friends? Think of important people that you want to grow old alongside with. Tracie, the 1/4 of the Triumph Devils. I'm probably least close with her cos I didn't get to work with her & she didn't join us in our earlier days of drinking. Having said that, she will be someone that I will still want to cherish. Celine & Fabian, the remnants of what was original a fun group, comprising of a gay trio & 2 single straight females, that meets every week. The group was there when I was lost and abandoned. They kept me sane by occupying me with activities. Though the group has broken up, and it's only 3 of us left, I still appreciate these 2 people who have walked with me during my darkest times. Then there is Kate, my ex-boss turned turned friend. Not sure why but I'm comfortable to be spending time with her because she's probably an authoritative figure that I look up to, with her experience and mature thoughts (though she is technically 6 months younger than me!). And not forgetting Nathanael & Stacey. We were originally called NS3 with Nat, Stacey, Steve & Sharon. Steve drifted away from the group when we started to work in different companies/industries. We concluded that perhaps Steve got close to us for 'despicable reasons', but I'm glad that the rest of the peeps are still values the friendship. One other ex-colleague, Melcolm, now joins us for catch-ups. He'll probably will not be in my list but I guess if it comes as part of the package, I'm easy with that. LOL
• "Good-to-have-Friends" - I guess this group will be people that I will still enjoying spending time with but will take more effort to go out of the way to catch-up with them, and typically these friends are "categorised" in groups. Primary school mates, peeps that I grew up with. They are a bunch of nice people and I've met up with some of them years after graduation. In fact, I remembered we had a wonderful chalet when we were in our teens. However since I cannot really grasp the concept of friendship at a young age and we've embarked on such different paths in life, I find it slightly difficult to "blend in". At times, I can feel "boredom/emptiness" during the sessions which is probably one of the main reason I tend to skip the gatherings the last few times. Secondary school mates are probably the same as the earlier group as I've drifted so far away from them, to make the extra effort to catch-up often deters me. I've always been very happy to meet up with my ANP ex-colleagues but recently something has also stopped me in my tracks. Why can't I make the effort to meet them? Thinking back, I reckon it's because I've somewhat stagnated in my life. Most of them moved on wonderfully in their career but here I am, still stuck in the lousy company without any advancement. Probably my low self-esteem doesn't encourage me to meet people who have far outshone me. NUS peeps are probably another group that I've grown distant from. Met them at the Freshmen Orientation and became really close during those days. But as we start to go into different courses and eventually jobs, we kinda lost that closeness. Kept in touch with Meimin & Adrian for a while after working but I guess the effort is just too much and schedules are always in conflict, we stopped those catch-ups. I guess now with Alicia & Charngling busy taking care of their kids, it's gonna be extremely difficult to meet up again.
• "Hi Bye Friends" - Probably people that I like but will not render them as friends due to lack of understanding or short time spent together. I guess these will be people that I acknowledge that I know them, might give a like or two on their socials, but would probably not make much effort to stay in touch.
• Acquaintances - People who has somehow or somewhat crossed my path, probably an ex-classmate, ex-colleague or just some random people whom I've seen. No effort is required for this group.

My AMGD meals~