雪人の宅

Everyone has been asking me how's my trip to Thailand. It's bad people!!! I went there in hope that I can celebrate my birthday happily, but my beau kept making mistakes to spoilt the trip. I did buy a lot of things but the trip wasn't as good as I hope it would be.

A lot of things have changed since I came back. I tendered my resignation, I broke up with my beau...
I was badly hurt by him. I thought he had loved me more than I do and that if we ever break up one day, I would be fine with that. I was wrong. He told me that he slept with L months before we got together. Not much of a big deal but considering L is my friend and she's married, I think you would know how I felt. I thought I could take it and just wanted to tell someone about it. Later on that day, I found out from friends that they've known this all along and even more things about him. They knew all the nitty gritty details of us when I've never even told anyone about. I knew that he lied. I mean it's an ego thing. He lied that I went after him even though I was attached. I was the one who gave him the chase. He boasted to everyone how I gave up everything for him, which I can only say I was just plain silly. It was an ego boost to him that he managed to get a girl who is attached in an extremely long term relationship to sacrifice so much. I couldn't believe it at first that he's part of the circle, but putting all the pieces together, I realised that it was true. I was just part of his cruel game. I was his trophy!

I couldn't sleep nor eat after I broke up and I constantly cried at work. I just couldn't believe that someone that I had loved soo much would do this to me. It felt as if someone had stabbed me in my heart many many times. I tendered my resignation the second day I got back to work. I couldn't bring myself to face him anymore.

I know I'm useless cos I still think of him and the happy memories we had. My friends had told me I deserved better. They all didn't exactly like him in the first place but just accomodated to me. Even my mum said it's better for me to break up with him. She said all my relatives didn't think we would last anyway. I was so silly. I thought I would eventually get married to him and have kids with him. All of that will not come true definitely.

I may look okay on the outside now, but I'm still nursing that deep incision. My friend told me that if I imagine him fucking other girls, I would forget him more easily since I really love him. I did... but I can't forget him. I even secretly told myself that if he came and confessed to me everything but promised that he'll never do it again cos' he really really loved me, I would forgive him. He never did.

My feelings are now exactly how my blog puts it. My love for you has sink to the bottom of the ocean.

I guess the best way to forget about him is to go into a new environment. That way, I might not be reminded of him sooo much. I hope the day will come when I can stand up and proclaim that I'm a better person without him!