A letter to you

To: 最熟悉的陌生人

Exactly 3 months since that fatal day, the day I knew you have decided to end our relationship single handedly. Have I already gotten over you? To be honest, not totally. I mean 3 months is too short a period to get over the 46 months that we were together. And not forgetting the 11 years I have known you prior to that. To this day, it still puzzles me if I have really known you for who you are. Given the person that I knew, he would probably have never done things this way. So who are you exactly?

Recalling the past, we gotten acquainted through my BFF and hit it off pretty well. I've always known you as the one who is flirtatious and changes girlfriends by the season. That aside, we got along pretty well and I've always felt very comfortable around you because I shamelessly acknowledged you as my daddy and I knew that there could never be anything romantic between us. There was even a period of time when we would chat over the phone till the wee hours of the night, talking about anything under the sun. Then I also got acquainted to one of your guy friends, SM.

The first time we went out, I brought along my friend J & you brought along SM. We hit it off very well. Amazingly we didn't feel awkward and was able to click. We went to buy your pants and my then boyfriend even got very angry when he saw that I was carrying your shopping bag for you!

Years passed and we kinda lost contact till the year that we all hit 21. Everyone was attending each other's birthday party and of course, you invited me to yours. Felt really obliged to go because we used to be pretty close but was lost because we were no longer talking as often. Went to your house with SM and when I got there, it once again proved to me that you were a flirtatious guy. Everyone, except SM, was a female! Left in a jiffy because I didn't exactly had a chance to chat. And the next moment, you were attending my 21st birthday. You brought along a new girlfriend (which wasn't surprising at all) and SM. We managed to chat for a while and that was the last we met for a very long time.

5 years passed and SM msn-ed me one day out of the blue. Can tell that he was still kinda interested and it was such a coincident that I was single at that point of time too. We chatted for a few days over MSN and he asked me out. Since I was single and had nothing to lose, I decided to go out with him to see if there's any sparks. Unfortunately there was nothing and to ease that embarrassment, all I could think of is to get you and BFF out for a gathering for old time's sake. So finally we met up for dinner and hit it off well again. Went out a few times more, starting with the 4 of us and BFF left, leaving the 3 of us. And eventually we decided that SM was not interesting enough, so we went out alone, just the 2 of us.

You were attached at that point of time and I was your "love advisor", encouraging you to salvage your relationship as much as possible. But because we were perpetually together, things were not getting better between you and your then girlfriend. Eventually you confessed that you liked me and that you have broken up with your girlfriend. You re-assured me that no matter what happens, we will still be friends forever. I was probably single for the longest time and I caved in to the attention by you. We got together.

However, no matter what you said about you breaking up with your girlfriend long before we got together, I still felt that I was the third party. In fact looking back, I strongly believe that things were not properly settled between you and her, just like what you did to me. Was very guilty towards her but I chose to be ignorant because of the bliss that I was immersed in at that point of time.

I knew that I wasn't in love but more like enjoying the attention and care that was showered. Things went pretty well, and soon I fell in love. I thought I had found someone who can truly understand me and it's good because we were friends right from the start, so there was no pretense at all. I was hesitant when you said to go get a HDB flat. I wasn't sure if this feeling of love will last THAT LONG. I've always thought that passion will fade eventually. I'm not sure if you are the one. Nonetheless, I decided to give it a try, because I knew I was happy then and that I am willing to commit to this relationship.

We tried balloting a few times before we finally got the flat. I was apprehensive and appeared nonchalant because I was unsure. You commented that I didn't care. But things were still going fine. We are just like any other couple. Quarrels and arguments once in a while, but most of the time, you gave in to me. I felt loved and was happy, hoping that this man that I'm with will remain true forever.

Throughout the 3 years we were together, we were mostly blissful, or so in my view. You stood by me in my toughest time of career, especially after I left WON, as well as supportive of my BIGGEST BUT WORST decision in life. I felt grateful and I thought you were the man for me.
We had one of our major fights when I finally settle down in my career. You abandon me and I was shocked but being the proud peacock, I refused to admit my wrong. You said that things went wrong since then, I didn't sense that. I thought life was the same as before but true enough, you were less accommodating from then. Then you had the opportunity to move on in your career, I was happy and proud of you. Things went so well for you that you were even selected to go to JKT to pioneer some projects. I supported that move as I thought it was a great portfolio for you, but I still felt a tinge of unhappiness because we had never been apart before.
Things seemed to go well in JKT and you even flew me over to join you once in a while. I felt stability and was very much in my comfort zone. In fact, I was pretty glad that we are apart because there were less fights and you were super nice to me whenever I flew over to JKT. However whenever you came back, I wished you had more time for me, just like in the past, but you chose to spend time with your friends. I tried to mingle with them initially but eventually gave up because I didn't fit in. So I was only happy when you were in JKT and not when you were back. Of course, fights also happened geographically. Things took a turn for the worse when there was an impromptu trip with my friends. You were upset that I paid for my trip to BKK when I insisted that I will not pay for my trip to JKT because that expense is to be covered by you as promised previously. You were resentful for that.

When you got tired of the life in JKT, you wanted out and coincidentally there was another job offer for you. You took that up and flew back to SG. Once you are back, things just went haywire. We do not seemed to see things eye to eye and at that point of time, I had health and work issues that didn't make things any better.

The Taiwan trip that I was so looking forward to was also a flop. We were both angry and couldn't agree on things. You even picked up a fight with me that I was not contributing financially to the relationship! My friends and even relatives saw the change in you and I had a really bad feeling that whatever happened to you and your then ex, will happen to us. I really felt that karma was coming to me! But being the timid person, I refused to face up to reality. I choose to be an ostrich and pretended nothing was wrong. We had cold war for about 2 weeks. At first I was still confident that you would contact me and apologise. As days go, I knew I was at the losing end, but I had my pride and refused to bow down. So I whatsapp you since you were overseas. No reply from you at all. Then came the bomb, you denounced our relationship in FB and I was shocked. We didn't even have a face-to-face talk about our relationship and before I knew it, you were engaged to a Vietnamese girl and that you were getting ready for marriage and your entire family was in favour of her!

I was devastated! I couldn't sleep nor concentrate at work. I would tear for no apparent reason, even when my boss was just looking at me, I cried uncontrollably. I lost it, and my world just came crashing down. I wanted to seek attention from you and would frequent clubs and check in on FB to spite you. I even shamelessly asked if I could just stay with you, even with the third party around. But I was just being naive, you wouldn't care less. You were blissfully in your new relationship, why would you even care? I had to stay out super late or drink a lot just to fall asleep at night. My longing for you soon turned into hatred. I cannot believe that you were doing this to me. How can you just forsake me like that and give up on this relationship within weeks! Thankfully I had many friends who were really supportive during the dark period.
Time passed so slowly, it didn't seem like it was only 3 months. Sometimes I still feel that things were a bit surreal. I couldn't believe what happened. At times, I just wish it was all a nightmare. But when I came to my senses, I only felt disappointment. I felt that I trusted the wrong person, who just ignored my feelings totally. You left me with so much shit to handle in my life, the car, the flat, etc. I'm resentful!

Noticed that you got married 2 days ago, I still felt heartbroken. I will not pretend that I will wish you the best, because what you did was too mean to beget a sincere wish from me. I can only curse you at this juncture. I dunno what is my feeling towards you now. Hatred + disappointment + love? It is really true that the person that you trusted most will hurt you the most. I know I cannot forgive you for what you have done, but probably someday, somehow I hope I will forget you.

To the people I have hurt previously, I just wanna say I'm really sorry! Fish, Tutu, JS, FO, I think I owe all of you a BIG SORRY!!! But I'm glad all of you are leading a better life than me now! All the best & I love you~