不幸な-ing

Things Sharon wanna accomplish before I leave
· Sell 小红
· Ensure Celine is happy attached
· See that May & WB with little baby are happy and healthy (hope I get to see the newborn before I leave)
· Mum and Dad taken care of
· ......

LOL, wanted to write a list of things but realised that I really do not have a lot of things to 交代. Perhaps I really have nothing much to lose or I don't own a lot in the first place. No doubt during this period, I was grateful for all the love and support my friends and family had given me, I still feel super lonely inside.

HE's probably not the guy that I loved the most, but HE's definitely the one who hurt me the most. I've been thrown down from the tallest building in the world and I'm too weak to get up now. I'm just lying there, smiling at everyone so that they do not worry for me. I'm putting up a false front to show that I'm over and done with when in fact my heart still bleeds whenever I'm sober.

I talked to people as if I have recovered, conjuring lies about how I've already moved on and how I truly enjoyed singlehood. Those were not only terrible lies to deceive them into thinking I'm fine, but also to delude myself. Being the proud peacock/大姐头 I am, I need to maintain my strong image. I can even take a step back and console others after their failed relationships, to encourage them to move on, but deep inside I know I'm entangled in my own failures and never be able to break free and proceed on with life.

I lost all the energy in life, all the passion in life. I yearn to find back the old carefree and self-centred me. If being selfish means that I will have more energy to live on, I would rather be the selfish girl I used to be. I'd rather have little or no friends, but at least I'll not be wallowing in self-pity, letting this darkness consume me by the days.

Even the thought of being able to fill up a superior's position doesn't sound pleasing to my ears. The career obstruction is finally giving way but I feel no excitement to embrace the opportunity.
Fleeing is probably my best bet now. As how my girlfriend puts it, 离开伤心地 might be the only way I may be able to put together the broken pieces. To start life anew in places that nobody knows me and rediscover what I can or cannot do. I don't have to live comfortably, just a roof over my head; no need to splurge on branded stuff, just the basic daily necessities will do; I can walk to work, just need to be disciplined to wake up earlier; I just want to start afresh! I can wait at tables, work as retail staff, do volunteer work, anything! I just need a place whereby nobody knows who I am. A self discovery/recovery trip at the age of 30, pretty apt. Not sure if I'm going through mid-life crisis but I reckon with the state I'm in now, I probably will want to die before the age of 40. So I'm already 75% there! 10 more years of finding myself. I guess that's long enough, a toddler can walk within the first few years of birth, I guess I should be able to find myself within the next 10 years ya?

加油子惠！