Another boring day at work when I got a random text from Kyo. Nothing too out of the ordinary as I do get occasional messages from him and the wife. With my meeting cancelled and I thought he wanted to have a quick chat over text messages, so I told him I was rather free. Who would have knew that it ended up with a hour plus of phone call with him.
He was again, travelling for work in San Francisco. An ordinary phone catch up ended up like a walk down memory lane. It's interesting how sometimes you selectively subconsciously forget what happened in your life and people along the way came up to remind you. Just like how I re-read my blog entries from time to time for reminiscence sake, this conversation revealed things that I cannot even remember. I guess my mind worked in amazing ways, retaining only the good and nice memories we had in order for us to remain as friends. So it's interesting to have incidents narrated to you as if you are are partaking in a biography of a stranger.
Not sure if we are the mirror and shadow combination but we can be utterly honest and blunt to each other. While I've always tried to be a 'cordial' friend to most people I know, he's someone whom I can let my guard down. He had seen me in my best, my worst and my most naked self (not literally) but still chose to embrace me for who I am/was/have been. There is no need to stage any thing, put up a strong front or hide any secrets for he is like an imaginary friend who has always been walking alongside with me. Like a mirror that I can be honest to and a shadow that will always be part of your life no matter what happens. Circumstances caused us to break contact but the sense of security and familiarity will always be there no matter how long we've lost touch. Like drug addicts, I think both of us feed on this unfathomable sense of assurance and shameless un-inhibition for comfort and solace.
I was brought back to the days where our relationship started to show signs of strain. Classic case of
"Girl graduates and starts to see the real world and its temptation. Boy
We come across such scenarios all the time. When one experience a change of environment, things happened. How many army boys lose their girlfriends when they get enlisted? How many OLs lose their husbands when they get posted overseas? Change is inevitable but can everyone handle the change?
I got a real taste of "adult autonomy" when I started to work in Shang. Hospitality industry, especially hotels, are toxic environments. You want to hang out your colleagues cos they are the only ones who understand your work frustrations and most importantly share a similar timetable. Most of your other friends or family are doing regular 9 - 5 jobs while you do shifts at ungodly hours. And trust me, these people do not have what we call moral values. As you enter into these inner social circles, you see how nobody gives shit about ONS or polyamorous relationships. It's common and even normal to sleep around. As you are sucked into assimilating yourself into the culture, you start to normalise such things internally. Ridiculous you may think but if you want to be accepted and be part of the world, you need to rationalise the irrational things. Consolation for me, I was too "scared" to do any of these but it became like OK for me to witness people around me doing things that I can even keep keep hush-hush about.
In Kyo's own words, I tried to justify my action of leaving him for another guy with what seemed like legit reasons. I wondered why he's constantly picking fights and would often feel like I'm treading on a minefield when I'm with him. I remembered on my off days, I would sleep away when he want to spend quality time with me. I will look forward to work and hang out with my colleagues instead of knocking off on time. I will deliberately OT just to have go for supper with colleagues. Over time, our relationship got strained and I starting hanging out more intimately with JS which eventually caused the failure of the relationship between us. Though it was very much my own doing, I attributed it to our differences in life, opinions, etc.
I probably thought that was the best time in my life as I was able to work in the same environment as my partner. We travelled to and from work together, shared common topics, hung out with similar colleagues, bitched about work - we were practically inseparable. In retrospect, it was just novelty. JS was 2 years younger than me and the way we interacted was extremely different from how Kyo and I did. I reckon it was a refreshing change from what I thought was a stifling relationship. It didn't help that JS was very good with words and flattery that boosted my ego.
Months later, something just triggered (or my memory failed me cos I don't remember why) and I decided to break up with JS and leave my job. Subconsciously, I probably need that I was delusional and I had to end this and move on to another phase in life. It was liberating for me and my family was relieved that I was bailing out on a relationship they think will never work.
The conversation with Kyo made me realised that I was indeed in a toxic environment & relationship and though I deviated from my own moral values, I tried ways and means to justify my action with the encouragement from toxic people around me. My refusal of admitting up to my own mistakes, like how you make up more things to cover up all your wrongdoings. Scary indeed. Didn't I say he was like a mirror that is brutally honest?
And while he was always my safety net, what made him give up on us the last straw? It was my refusal to offer my sincere apologies and commitment. My stubborn-ness (and probably ignorance) couldn't give him a closure and he wants to embark on a life that promises commitment and assurance. He said he was waiting for me to beg, to seek forgiveness and to show him my determination to make things work. Of cos back then, I didn't know that. I thought he was just being extremely mean to me - comforting me but telling me that he needed to get married to another woman. My heart sank when I truly understood what happened 6 years ago. I had taken him for granted, too many times.
Do I now wish that I could go back on time to salvage this relationship? Hmm I'm not sure. I've always thought that it be the best if I met Kyo later, when I'm in a more mature stage, unfazed by life's temptations. But if I had never shared those school years with him, will we even fall in love? The simple innocence that fueled our friendship, even till today, will be non-existent. I'm happy with my current partner but I will probably always look back and wonder at the possibilities. Perhaps in another parallel world, I did get back with Kyo and it was a fairy tale ending.
Ending this with something I read earlier this way. To my mirror, my shadow, my friend.
Keep wondering and dreaming, the possibilities are endless~
I look back on the life that we shared, and immediately my heart feels an intense sense of longing. I remember when I said I wanted you to stay in my life because I couldn’t imagine living every day without you. I remember all the nights that we spent as if the world was ours, as if we were the only two people in the world.
You have no idea how much I remember every single moment that I had with you.
Because how could I forget a part of my life that was once special to my heart?
I think that wherever place I will end up, and whatever situation I will find myself in the future — I will always remember you as I look up at the dark expanse of the sky. And I don’t think I will ever forget you, even if we lost each other, even if our relationship was short-lived.
You will always be my favorite person to write about. You will always be the story that I love to tell the people that I meet. You will always be someone who made a huge difference in my life.
You will always be the best thing that I have set free.
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