So Kyo sent me this and said I should read up on the theories of limerence and attachment.
Limerence is a state of mind which results from a romantic attraction to another person and typically includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship with the object of love and have one's feelings reciprocated. Limerence can also be defined as an involuntary state of intense romantic desire.
Limerence, which is not exclusively sexual, has been defined in terms of its potentially inspirational effects and in relation to attachment theory. It has been described as being "an involuntary potentially inspiring state of adoration and attachment to a limerent object (LO) involving intrusive and obsessive thoughts, feelings and behaviors from euphoria to despair, contingent on perceived emotional reciprocation".[4]
Attachment theory emphasizes that "many of the most intense emotions arise during the formation, the maintenance, the disruption, and the renewal of attachment relationships".[5] It has been suggested that "the state of limerence is the conscious experience of sexual incentive motivation" during attachment formation, "a kind of subjective experience of sexual incentive motivation"[6] during the "intensive ... pair-forming stage"[7] of human affectionate bonding.
In psychology, the theory of attachment can be applied to adult relationships including friendships, emotional affairs, adult romantic or platonic relationships and in some cases relationships with inanimate objects ("transitional objects").[1]
So I went to read up on them. Theories and concepts usually don't make too much sense to me, but I guess I can see myself having some of these symptoms or attributes. And the 2nd theory strikes me as reasons of the reactions that I've exhibited because of my personality and insecurities.
So from Wikipedia, there are actually 4 types of attachment styles: Secure, Anxious-Preoccupied, Dismissive-Avoidant & Fearful-Avoidant and I believe I'm an Anxious-Preoccupied.
Anxious-preoccupied
ie: negative view of self and positive view of others [14]
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment type tend to agree with the following statements: "I want to be completely emotionally intimate with others, but I often find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like", and "I am uncomfortable being without close relationships, but I sometimes worry that others don't value me as much as I value them." People with this style of attachment seek high levels of intimacy, approval, and responsiveness from their attachment figure. They sometimes value intimacy to such an extent that they become overly dependent on the attachment figure. Compared with securely attached people, people who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment tend to have less positive views about themselves. They may feel a sense of anxiousness that only recedes when in contact with the attachment figure. They often doubt their worth as a person and blame themselves for the attachment figure's lack of responsiveness. People who are anxious or preoccupied with attachment may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, emotional dysregulation, worry, and impulsiveness in their relationships.
Basically describing someone with low self-esteem and constantly wanna seek recognition from their loved ones.
The page went on to state how people actually manage anxieties (in my case insecurities) in their lives. The first model is when you get positive response from your attachment subject and it helps to alleviate your anxieties and you can go back to your daily activities. The second model is when your partner responds negatively but you try to continue to seek affirmation, which is kinda the stage I'm at in this point in time. And the last model is when you give up getting any positive response after possibly few tries, which is something that I fear I'll be heading.
There is also a part about intimacy which is accurately describes why I yearn for affection from my partner.
Intimacy[edit]
Attachment theory has always recognized the importance of intimacy. Bowlby writes:
The desire for intimacy has biological roots and, in the great majority of people, persists from birth until death. The desire for intimacy also has important implications for attachment. Relationships that frequently satisfy the desire for intimacy lead to more secure attachments. Relationships that rarely satisfy the desire for intimacy lead to less secure attachments.
Collins and Feeney have examined the relationship between attachment and intimacy in detail.[70] They define intimacy as a special set of interactions in which a person discloses something important about himself or herself, and their attachment responds to the disclosure in a way that makes the person feel validated, understood, and cared for. These interactions usually involve verbal self-disclosure. However, intimate interactions can also involve non-verbal forms of self-expression such as touching, hugging, kissing, and sexual behavior. From this perspective, intimacy requires the following:
- willingness to disclose one's true thoughts, feelings, wishes, and fears
- willingness to rely on an attachment for care and emotional support
- willingness to engage in physical intimacy in the case of romantic or potential romantic partners
I guess I'm someone who is rather touchy. I've always enjoyed a hug, a pat on the head and gestures like these. And these are acts of validation for me, which helps in bolstering my own self esteem. So the absence of such physical intimacies have resulted in loads of frustrations in my life.
That being said, having better understanding of myself and my reactions, how do I move on from here? How do I act in accordance to make myself less unhappy and more courageous to brave on life?
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